A Great Weekend

What an awesome weekend so far. Last night, my mother and I took dd (age 7) to see the closing concert for International Week at the University of Alberta. I-Week, as it is now called, has been an annual event for the last 22 years, and it always culminates with a variety-show type of concert on Friday night. I LOVE IT. Last night's show featured a Japanese drum group called Kita No Taiko, aerial acrobats from Firefly Theatre, a Sufi music ensemble, some other stuff I can't remember right now, and a performance by Kinnie Starr, the most incredible poet/singer/performer that I have ever seen.

What I love the most is that almost all of the performers are local groups, based in Edmonton, and yet they either come from all over the world, or they are inspired by music or art from all over the world. It is such a wonderful opportunity to see a lot of local talent perform, and at an incredibly reasonable cost (only $12 a ticket!). From the home-schooling perspective, it is also an amazing opportunity to show my daughter all kinds of different performing arts, and possibly inspire her to try something new.

I think about all the crap we consume on television, on the internet, at the movie theatre, and on the radio, and I wonder why we are so addicted to it, when there is this incredible, vibrant, richly varied culture all around us, right here in Edmonton. I mean, these are LOCAL artists, living and working and performing HERE, and what do we spend most of our free time on? Movies, television, internet, radio. Oh, and video games. I suppose it's partly because I have to go to a bit of effort to find out about these great performances and events in the city and figure out how to get there and so on. It's not just streaming into my house.

I remember my sister-in-law making a joke about NEVER wanting to live in "dead-monton" and I was slightly hurt at the time. Now, years later, I just think that most people just don't know about the rich variety of cultural, spiritual, and artistic communities that exist here.

The International Week concert was only the beginning of my awesome weekend. This morning I slept in until almost 10 o'clock - a miracle. Okay, ds did wake me up at 8, and dd woke me up at 9, but I didn't actually get out of bed until 10am. I'll take what I can get. What is unusual about today was that I had no plans. I always have plans. Almost every day of the month is planned. Today, however, had absolutely nothing scheduled.

I sat around drinking coffee and reading the latest Maclean's magazine. There is an interview of David Walsh, author of No: Why Kids-Of All Ages-Need to Hear It and Ways Parents Can Say It. This is an absurdly long title for a book, but the author sounds like an absolute genius. He seems to really understand why parents cave to their kids all the time: guilt, pressure, being busy, being tired, trying to keep the peace. He acknowledges how much time and energy goes into effective parenting, but he also talks about how important self-discipline is. By saying no to our kids, and forcing them to deal with boredom, dissatisfaction, and even high expectations, we help them develop self-discipline. This is my kind of guy. I already tried to reserve the book at the library, but they don't seem to have it yet.

I ended up calling up a friend to go for a walk this afternoon. I drove to her house, then we walked to Starbucks, had a coffee, and walked back. It was a bit on the cold side (about -15), but at least we got some exercise. When I got home, my daughter was invited over to a friend's house to play, so I went with her and sat around chatting with the mom for an hour and a half. We finally got home at 6:30 and ordered pizza.

I couldn't have had a better day if I had planned it all out. Tomorrow doesn't have much on the schedule, but I am going to have to do some laundry and housework. Maybe I'll squeeze in a trip to the library. I am dying to get started on Little House in the Big Woods with dd right away. My weirdness post got me thinking about it.

Weirdness

I have been tagged by Daisy to post 6 weird things about me. The way
it works is that I am supposed to tag 6 other bloggers to post 6
weird things about themselves. The trouble is, Daisy's blog is the
only one that I read regularly. I read a couple of others, but the
people don't know me.

I asked my husband for his opinion. At first he said he couldn't
possibly narrow it down to only 6. I am just a vast, complex entity
composed entirely of weirdness, peculiarity, and idiosyncrasy. When
pressed for details, he waffled and said that he is just so used to
my strangeness that it doesn't even seem weird to him. So, I have to
figure this out myself.

1. I meditate for an hour every morning. That is something that most
people don't know. I have been meditating on and off for years, but
lately I have been doing it very regularly. I'm not sure if it is
going to solve all of my problems, but I definitely feel like I'm on
top of my game, "with it", and generally have my act together a lot
more than I usually do.

2. I have a very bizarre relationship to science. There is a tonne of
it that I just do not understand, and I am extremely skeptical about
almost all of it. Like gravity, chemistry, time travel, oh, and
physics. Especially physics. My husband gets great laughs almost
every day because I really don't get physics. I mean, you've got
laws, you've got theories, and who can keep them straight? Not me.

3. I am a home-birthing, attachment-parenting, co-sleeping,
home-schooling, health-food eating, environmentally-aware
crunchy-granola type of person. Those are 6 things right there that
make me weird to most members of my family. However, I do not
compost. Several people I know are completely shocked that I do not
compost. So, now that my kitchen garburetor is broken, I guess I am
going to start composting.

4. I actually like going on trips all by myself. I travelled around
Europe for 3 months all by myself when I was 22, and it was fabulous.
It is the only way to travel, the best way to travel. It's great.
Nobody to have to try to get along with, compromise with, or even
talk to if you don't feel like it. You can do exactly what you want
to do, whenever you want to do it.

5. I have a long-standing fascination with Laura Ingalls Wilder from
Little House on the Prairie. It started when I read the novels around
age 8 or 9. I developed an extremely colourful internal relationship
with Laura. I had fantasies that involved travelling back in time and
living with her. I would know so much because I was from the future.
Then I would imagine that she travelled to the present, and I would
take her around and show her things and explain everything to her,
like cars, music, shopping centres, dishwashers, airplanes,
absolutely everything. This was DETAILED.

As an example of how severe the Little House thing is: My husband has
always wanted to go to Disneyland or Disneyworld and a whole bunch of
other big attractions in the United States. I have always resisted
because I feel very weird about travelling in the US. I mean, people
there are allowed to carry guns! When I was in Las Vegas, I kept
looking at everybody and wondering, Does that person have a gun? How
about that one? That person could have a gun in her purse right this
second! One day last spring, I was perusing some home-school sites,
and I found some stuff you can do with the Little House series
(hooray!) and OH MY GOD you can actually VISIT Walnut Grove! There is
a museum and some other stuff there to see. I almost freaked out. I
called my hubby over to show him, and I was like, "Forget Disneyland,
honey, we're going to Minnesota!" I get excited just thinking about it.

Okay, I admit it, THAT is weird. I kind of want to start reading the
Little House books to my daughter, but I notice that I'm holding
back. What if she doesn't like them as much as I do? It could cause
irreparable harm to our relationship.

6. The vast majority of what I read for pleasure is non-fiction. I
almost never read fiction because I get completely absorbed in it, to
the exclusion of all else. Meals go unprepared, children are ignored,
the telephone goes unanswered, and I'll stay up until 5am just to
finish. Then I need 2-3 days just to recover. On top of that, I find
that I often take on the mood of a book for days afterwards. If it
was a very profound book, or very sad, or very dark and depressing,
well, that's how I'm going to be feeling for the next week. I won't
even permit myself to pick up a novel unless there is NOTHING going
on for the following week.

Okay, that was long. I guess the 7th thing that's weird about me is
that I like to go on and on and on and on. I just can't shut up.

I think this whole branch of the weirdness game is going to shrivel
up and die here, because I have no idea who I could tag. Maybe if I
sleep on it, I'll come up with something. Pam, Isla, Lisa, Nicole,
Alan, Mark, Andree, why don't you have blogs yet? Get started! Start
with the weirdness poll!

Values

One of the thoughts I've had swirling around my head for the last few weeks has to do with values.

When you homeschool, you have to live in contact with your values. You have to know what they are, you have to live by them, and you have to be prepared to defend them to your children, and to practically anyone who decides to question your right or ability to homeschool.

I have to know, on a daily basis, what is more important: a clean house, or school work accomplished? Groceries done, or a play date with friends? Making my daughter finish something or letting her try something new? Achievement, or experimentation? Discipline or going with the flow? Winning an argument or keeping the peace? Obedience or communication? Science or history? Writing or logic? Math or reading? Harry Potter or learn-to-read books? English books or French books? 

I didn't feel like I was constantly making decisions when my daughter was at school all day. Most of the decisions were made for me, including what time to get up, what time to go to bed, how much homework to do, and how much free time we had.

When I am responsible for what goes on around here 24 hours a day, I need to be crystal clear about what is important to me. I feel like every day is a living example of what is important: love, caring, patience, compassion, respect, healthy choices like nutrition and exercise, attitude, effort, work, and rest.

Someone mentioned to me that she wasn't feeling confident yet about her decision to homeschool. Someone else was worried about her child "keeping up" with children in school. I have a lot of empathy for these women. The way I see it, if you are comparing yourself to schools, it's because you basically agree with the goals and values of the schools, and you want to achieve a similar outcome.  I have confidence in what I'm doing because I DO NOT share the goals and values of the schools, so I do not need to compare my results to theirs. I do things differently because I have different values and because I am looking for a different outcome.

Thank goodness it's over.

I have just got to get this off my chest: I am SO RELIEVED that the
"holidays" are over. The fact that they are called "holidays" in the
first place is absolutely laughable. Whoever came up with that is
clearly not the person who does the cleaning, the decorating, the
cooking, the shopping, or the wrapping. Christmas is like a huge
project that has to be done on an annual basis, with a hard-and-fast
deadline, whether you feel like accepting the contract or not.

I know, I know, it's supposed to be a wonderful, magical time for
families to spend special time together and bond and so on. We happen
to be a homeschooling family, so we already spend LOTS of special
time together. Every day, in fact. All of my other important
relatives live really close by, so I see plenty of them, too. We have
dinner together all the time. The only thing different about
Christmas is that I have to do a lot of shopping, cleaning, wrapping,
and decorating beforehand, followed by some more cleaning afterwards.

The other issue that I have is that Christmas really throws me off of
my routine. I never ever imagined that I would be so attached to my
routine that it would bother me to abandon it for a week, but
apparently I am way more anal than I ever thought possible. After a
week off the routine, the kids were bored and hyper and driving me
crazy, and I was bored of spending all my time cleaning, cooking,
shopping, wrapping, eating, and socializing. I really wanted to get
back to MY life, which is with my friends, my kids, and my projects,
whatever they happen to be at the moment.

So, we took all the Christmas decorations down on December 30 because
I just couldn't handle having it hanging around anymore. We had a
fondue dinner with my brother and his wife on New Year's Eve, and by
January 2, I was BACK to regular life. The kids are back to normal,
and so am I. Dear hubby, bless him, goes back to work on Monday, and
things will REALLY get back to normal again. Thank God. I'm sure I
will come up with something new to complain about next week!

I love my husband

I have the sweetest, most supportive husband in the world.

We have been reviewing our finances lately, and it is pretty much a
given that I need to generate some income. Hubby makes about 3/4 of
what we need to maintain our lifestyle. It's not that we couldn't cut
back, because we could, a bit. I have been cutting back for so many
years, though, that I find that eventually, stuff just needs to get
done. Our poor truck is 17 years old. It probably has a few years
left in it, but I don't want to gamble on exactly how many. Same with
our 40-year-old furnace. One day, that thing is just going to stop
working, and if that were this winter, we would have a real problem
on our hands.

So, I need to make some money. It shouldn't be that hard. I am a
healthy, educated, intelligent, competent female living in a booming
economy in the wealthiest province in the best country in the world,
where the newspapers are literally overflowing with job postings, and
I can't seem to find anything that is just right.

Hubby and I had a long heart-to-heart over it last night, and he
commented that whatever ideas we come up with, the sacrifice seems
too great. If I work at night or on the weekend, we would miss the
family time. If I do childcare or a home-based business, the toll on
me is quite severe. If I work during the day, the children would
suffer, or dd would have to go to school, and she is doing soooo
wonderful lately that he doesn't even want to think about that. I was
totally, completely, genuinely touched. I felt like all the work I do
here for our children and for our family was being recognized and
honoured. I have always believed that I'm doing something important,
but to have it acknowledged like that got me all choked up.

So, I am still looking for income-generating options that don't
involve me actually becoming an employee. I intend to find a roommate
to rent out our spare room, and I'd like to teach ESL to tutor
English to International students. I might do some part-time child care.

I'm open to ideas.

Travelling Through Life

I am on the plane back to Edmonton after a
weekend in Montreal. My sister and I went to see
my grandmother for her 85th birthday.

Everyone on the plane is plugged into their
headphones, tv screens, MP3 players, or laptops.
(I’m no exception, but the woman beside me is
sleeping at the moment.) It is difficult to be
friendly with someone who is plugged in, or otherwise occupied.

On the other hand, some people just aren’t
friendly. The woman sitting beside me, for
example. She is approximately my age, possibly
younger. She is waaay more fashionable than I am,
which usually indicates to me that she has no
children. Once upon a time, I would have been
intimidated by her because she is slim and
fashionable. I might have thought that she wasn’t
being friendly because I am not cool enough or
pretty enough or important enough to talk to.
Now, I see that there are many possible reasons
why she might not talk to me. She might be really
tired or hungover. She might work at a very busy,
noisy job where she has to be friendly all the
time and she really needs the peace and quiet on
the plane. She might be on her way to a funeral
and doesn’t want to talk about it. She might be
really shy or insecure. The fashionable exterior
might be like her armour or a mask she wears to face the world.

Personally, I think it is bizarre that you could
sit right beside someone for four hours and not
even say hello, how are you, or are you traveling
for business or on vacation? I consider it
practically rude. I have realized, however, that
my opinion about what is rude or normal says more
about ME than about her. I still don’t know
anything about her, and neither do you, dear
reader, but now we all know that I think it’s
nicer to be friendly on a plane and try to
connect with people around you. We also know that
I don’t feel particularly glamorous most of the
time and that I am okay with that.

I realized again on this trip how much I like
traveling. I absolutely ADORE going to a new
place. I love almost everything about it. I like
hearing different languages spoken. I like
finding my way around. I like reading maps and
getting rental cars and realizing that I can find
my way around. I even like taking trains and
subways and busses and getting around that way.
In some places, that way is preferable. I like
reading the local newspaper and finding out how
much it costs to rent an apartment or buy a
house, what kind of jobs are available and how
much people get paid. I like to see what’s in the
grocery stores and if it’s different from what’s in my grocery stores.

The only thing that’s better than exploring a new
city on my own is to actually hang out with
people FROM that city and let them take me around
to their favourite places and show me what they
do for fun on a Friday night or for relaxation on a Sunday afternoon.

I realize that this makes me different from some
other people, like my grandmother, for instance.
As far as I can tell, she has been quietly living
her life in exactly the same way for about the
last 50 years. She is 85 years old, she lives in
an apartment with no dishwasher, no microwave, no
VCR, no DVD player, no stereo, no computer, no
internet, not even a touch tone telephone. She
takes the bus to buy her groceries and has them
delivered to her apartment. She goes out for a
walk every day, thank goodness, but she doesn’t
have much of anything on her schedule. She does
not belong to any church, social club, community
league, or seniors centre. She does not play any
games or sports or go swimming or use the
library. She does not travel. She lives directly
above her sister, and the two of them order in
Chinese food or pizza sometimes, and they watch
television together in the evenings. She goes to
bed at 11pm and gets up at 7:30 every day. She
has been following the same routine for years and years and years.

Admittedly, she did move into this apartment just
last year. Before that, she lived in the same
house that she shared with my grandfather
forever. In her old neighbourhood, she knew more
people and she would say hello to them on her
daily walks and she would have visitors over for
coffee or for dinner a little more often.

It is fascinating to compare her life to my
mother-in-law’s life. They are only 15 years
apart in age. My mother-in-law is 70. She still
lives with my father-in-law in the same house
she’s been in forever. She goes to work out at
Spa Lady every Tuesday and Thursday morning with
her friends. All winter long, she plays on a
curling team every Tuesday and Thursday
afternoon. She is a member of the church choir
and has choir practice every Thursday night, and
of course attends church on Sunday morning. I
think she is also on the “women’s committee” or
something like that. She organizes a curling
bonspiel for the church every year in January.
She golfs with friends two or three times a week
all summer long. She goes on at least two
holidays a year, usually to BC in September, and
somewhere warm in January or February. If a good
deal comes up or if some of her friends are going
on a cruise, she doesn’t hesitate to join them.
She also has dinner parties, breakfast dates,
lunch dates, and coffee dates almost every day of
the week. She gets together with her very large
family often. She still manages to make time to
visit and/or babysit her grandkids at least once
a week. Oh, and she also keeps a large vegetable
garden and a beautiful yard with flowers,
raspberry bushes, and an apple tree. She does a
lot of baking and has a freezer full of pies, jams, and squares.

Obviously, money can account for part of the
difference. My mother-in-law has far more
resources available than my grandmother, but even
if my mother-in-law was completely broke, there
would still be the church activities, the family
get-togethers, the garden, the baking, the
sewing, the dinner parties and coffee dates and so on.

It is difficult not to judge the two different
ways of life. It is easy to look at my
grandmother and say, she should really get out
more or get involved in something. On the other
hand, I have often felt critical of my
mother-in-law for spending almost all of her time
playing. Here is a woman who is strong,
intelligent, perfectly healthy, with loads of
energy and resources available to her. It seems
to me that she could USE her life to create
something or build something or contribute
something to society or help someone. Maybe she
does, in her own way. Maybe being the social
butterfly and keeping in touch with so many
people and throwing so many parties helps to
enrich the lives of those people whom she parties
with. Maybe I need to get out of my judgment throne.

I still don’t know what kind of life I will lead
in the future. Right now, I’m still busy raising
my kids. In a few years’ time, I plan to do a lot
of traveling with them. After that, I might
indulge myself by going back to university and
studying all the stuff I didn’t have time to
study before (like anthropology, sociology,
psychology, religion, philosophy, film studies,
women’s studies, history….) Maybe I’ll take up a
new career, like as a psychologist or family
therapist. Maybe I’ll start a foundation to help
people further their spiritual development, or to
help at-risk families connect to community
services, or maybe I will serve in public office
for a while. Maybe I’ll be a fundraiser for an
international agency. Maybe I’ll work for an
international agency, like World Vision or Unicef.

Half the time, I cannot believe that I am
actually an adult. I still feel like a kid who is
trying to decide what to do when I grow up. It
energizes me, though, to see my mother-in-law
leading such an active, busy life, and my
grandmother living such a long one, because it
means that I don’t have to make up my mind “once
and for all” about what to do with my life. I
have enough time here on earth to try it all. I
can be a student, a business woman, a
stay-at-home-mom, a teacher, a traveler, a
volunteer, a grandmother, an investor, an author,
a student, and a whole bunch of things that I
haven’t even thought of yet. I can reasonably
expect to live for another 50 years. That is
astonishing. I’m only 34 years old, and I spent
the first 18 years just growing up. I’ve only had
16 years of experience as an adult, and I have
already been able to try so much. I get to have
about 50 MORE years. That is fantastic.

In a couple of hours, I will be reunited with my
children, and I won’t be able to make any long,
thoughtful blog entries for quite a while. It is
interesting that Renee missed me so much. She
seems to be quite dependent on me right now,
whereas when she was younger she was not. I
wonder if I have cultivated this somewhat by
taking her out of school and having her with me
all the time. I don’t really think so. It seems
more like a stage of life that she is going through.

When children are two or three years old, they
are more firmly planted in the moment, and as
long as everything is okay in the moment, like
Nana is with them, their favourite show is on TV,
and there is macaroni and cheese for lunch, then
they are fine. Renee is older and more likely to
notice if things are different from when I’m
around. My niece, who is a few years older than
Renee, also seems to have been very clingy and
attached to her mother (my sister) for the last
few years, and still is even today. It should be
fairly amusing to see how that changes when she’s a teenager.

Favourite Books

One of the best ways to get to know a person is to look at their bookshelf. I can think of one instant friend I met recently who has many of the same books on her shelves as I do. She always has a stack of library books and I usually want to read them after she is finished with them. Sometimes, I walk into someone's house and I can't figure out what is weird about it. Eventually, I figure it out - there is NO bookshelf visible at all!

So, here is a partial list of what's on my bookshelf:

Wayne Dyer's The Power of Intention
Deepak Chopra's The Book of Secrets and Seven Spiritual Laws for Parents and The Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire (my absolute favourite book)
Eckhart Tolle's New Earth  (I also LOVED The Power of Now)
Rachel Naomi Remen's My Grandfather's Blessings
Mark Victor Hansen's One Minute Millionaire and The Power of Focus
Jack Canfield's The Success Principles
Robert G. Allen's Multiple Streams of Income

Barbara Coloroso's Kids Are Worth It
Gordon Neufeld & Gabor Mate's Hold On To Your Kids
Faber & Mazlish's classics Siblings Without Rivalry and How to Talk so Kids Will Listen

Really, the three major categories of books on my shelf are spiritual development, "success" or personal development, and parenting. The ones I like the best cover more than one of those categories.

I think I would call myself a voracious reader, but I read in spurts. Lately, I have read a couple of books on home-schooling, a lovely one called The Soul of Money, an auto-biographical book by a stay-at-home father called House-Broken, and a Berlitz book about helping your child with a foreign language. I just picked up Alfie Kohn's Punished by Rewards and I'm trying to decide if I'm going to take the plunge. His stuff is kind of heavy (very well researched, kind of academic), and I'm not sure if I have the attention span required at the moment.

I realized lately that I almost never read fiction anymore. Part of the reason is that I get so totally absorbed in fiction that I neglect everything else. I literally read to the exclusion of all else. Work does not get done, meals do not get prepared, and I do not sleep until the book is finished. Fortunately, I can usually finish a book in a day or two, but I can't afford to do it very often. At least with non-fiction, I can read a few chapters and then put the book DOWN for a while.

The other problem with getting so absorbed in a novel is that I take on the mood of the book. If it's a very sad story, I will feel melancholy and depressed for days. If I can strongly relate to a character, I adopt her attitude. If it involves violence or abuse or has dark themes, it colours my outlook on life. The solution is to read fairly light fiction, which isn't particularly interesting most of the time, so I'm back to non-fiction.

I enjoyed most of the Harry Potter series, and I absolutely loved the Da Vinci Code. I couldn't put it down. I have read a few of the Maeve Binchy books. They are good, long, intricate, gossipy kinds of books. I actually read Angry Housewives Eating BonBons, which was kind of nice, but with an unsatisfying ending.

I aspire to write something one day. I am pretty certain it will be non-fiction. Mark Victor Hansen says that everyone has at least one good book in them. I am sure that I do. I am not sure yet what it will be about, but I think it will have something to do with themes of motherhood, business, service and community.

It's been so long!

I have completely ignored my blog for the past month. My apologies to
my fabulous fans. It was extremely heart-warming, however, to see
comments from my friends, both new and old. (Bonjour, Nicole! I miss you!)

The main reason that I did not post was simply stress. I was totally
and completely stressed out by my after-school-care business. That is
mostly resolved now. My nephew has switched to a different school
with a better program to suit his needs, and I asked the mother of
the other two children to find another provider for them. All I have
left is my niece. Today was my first day with the new routine and I
actually woke up feeling.....happy. Now I just have to figure out how
to replace the income that brought in.

On that note, I attended a workshop this past weekend called "Fast
Track to Cash Flow." It was organized by a local guy named Darren
Weeks. He is an official facilitator for Cash Flow 101, which is a
board game created by Robert Kiyosaki, author of the book "Rich Dad
Poor Dad." If you haven't read it yet, you have to open another
browser window right now, go to your local public library page, and
reserve it. (You DO have a library card, don't you? If not, then just
order the book at the Chapters website.) Right after you finish
reading it, pick up Cash Flow Quadrant by the same author.

The workshop was great. I like going to them because you get to
network in a room full of local entrepreneurs and real estate
investors, learn something about business and investing, get some new
ideas, and get inspired to take action. This was great timing for me,
because I have been ignoring and avoiding my goals and ambitions ever
since I abandoned my business last spring. I thought I would just do
this after-school-care thing while I got settled into home-schooling.
Clearly, THAT didn't work out. I have looked and looked in the
newspaper for some kind of part-time employment that would work with
my schedule and that I would actually be willing to DO, with no luck.
It's ridiculous, because there are thousands of jobs available. I'm
just too picky. Nope, it seems that I'm back to the only thing that
has ever inspired me: business and investing.

I have contemplated running workshops of my own. I was strongly
inclined to create a money-management program for teenagers last
year. I still have copious notes about that lying around. Yesterday,
I was thinking that an improvement on that idea would be a
mother-daughter financial workshop. Gosh, all I have to do is type it
to start getting excited about it. I LOVE public speaking, and I LOVE
learning about and talking about investing, I just wonder who would
actually come? I bet if I needed a test market, I could put together
a program and offer it for free to other home-schoolers.

I am also totally excited now about acquiring another property. My
father and I are in business together and we have jointly owned three
small properties for two years. He convinced me to acquire two more
this fall, and I have to admit that I have been dragging my heels. I
was just NOT in the mood. (hmmmm, wonder if that had anything to do
with stress?) Now, I am pumped. I want to get another one ASAP. I am
going to need another partner, though. Any takers out there?

I saw several other investment opportunities at the workshop that I
want to take advantage of. One in particular. I wonder how much money
I can convince the bank to lend me.

Okay, time to be honest. I have been sitting here writing my blog
instead of writing the playschool newsletter. Shame on me. It's
almost 11pm. Isn't that too late to start? Tomorrow is Halloween,
though, so if I don't do it now, it will be Wednesday before it's
finished. Oh, bother.

Occupations

One of the issues that inspired the title of this blog is that little space you see on forms called "Occupation." There is even one on the User Profile section of this blog. I used to get a little thrill from writing "Systems Analyst" or "Computer Consultant" into that space. I had a title and I felt pretty darned important. Nowadays, I find that I have no idea what to write in that space.

What do people really want to know about me, anyway? Is it how I earn money? Is it my professional designation? Is it how I spend most of my time? Is it what I value most?

I find myself answering the question differently depending on what I'm trying to accomplish. If I'm trying to make a point, I will simply write "MOTHER." I don't think it makes one whit of difference if I'm a "stay-at-home-mother" or a "working mother." I am a 24-hour a day mother whether I'm getting paid or not. I have actually received praise from others when they see that on my form.

If I'm trying to impress people, I might say that I'm a real estate investor, or that I manage real estate. If I only want to impress them a little bit, or I don't want to sound like I'm showing off, I might simply say that I run a home-based business. Let them use their imaginations.

If I'm trying to put someone at ease, I'll just say that I'm a babysitter, or that I take in kids after school. If I really want to throw people off, I call myself a teacher. It's technically true, even though my only students are my own children, and possibly my niece and nephew.

The word "occupation" sounds like it should have something to do with what occupies my time. If I think about what takes up the most hours in a day, it's a toss-up between "PARENTING" and "HOUSEHOLD MANAGEMENT," which includes cooking, cleaning, laundry, paying bills, yard work, shopping, and errands.

If I really dig deeply, what I believe my most important occupation here is, the one objective that runs through all the different aspects and eras of my life, it is simply to become more human. Ewww, that sounds corny. Achieving spiritual enlightenment? Spiritual discipline? Wisdom? Obviously, I'm still learning, because I don't quite have the right words for it.

I'm going to borrow a little section from Rachel Naomi Remen's essay "Getting Clear" in her book My Grandfather's Blessings:

"Many years ago, as I was trying to sort myself out from the ways I had lived and inhabit the way that I am, my companion in this process, a therapist, had given me the gift of an exquisite antique silver bracelet. She had it engraved with the single word clear.

She had known that a silver bracelet was something that I would take seriously. For more than a year I never took it off. A few months after she gave it to me, I asked her why she had had it engraved wit the word clear and not with my name. 'Look it up,' she said, 'but only in a very large dictionary.'

I looked it up in the Random House Dictionary of the English Language and found that it had more than sixty meanings, many of which have to do with freedom: free from obstruction; free from guilt; free from blame; free from confusion; free from entanglement; free from limitation; free from debt; free from impurities; free from suspicion; free from illusion; free from doubt; free from uncertainty; free from ambiguity; and so on. And, of course, its ultimate meaning, which is 'able to serve perfectly in the passage of light.'

Sometimes it takes a lifetime to become clear. No matter. It may be the most worthwhile way to spend the time."

I read that book over a year ago, and those words keep coming back to me. So, perhaps my true occupation is simply to become clear.

Ravings

Oh my god, I am drunk. I apologize in advance for anyone who is
offended by drunken ravings. Maybe you should stop reading now. I
don't get drunk very often, but when I do, it is a LOT of fun. Might
as well make the most of it. Morning meditation at church tomorrow
should be hilarious. (A word of advice: don't meditate while
hung-over. It's brutal.)

I picked up some second-hand books this week from a fellow
home-schooler: Kids Book of Canada; an Usborne Encyclopedia of
History; and another book called "Dinosaurs by Design" that I just
grabbed because my 4 year-old is into dinosaurs right now. Well,
today, he asks me to read it to him. Sure, I think, no problem. I
flip open to the first page. It's all about fossils. Since he's still
4, I often just read him the captions and sidebar stuff beside the
pictures. I skim through and my eyes stop on this: "All dinosaurs not
on Noah's Ark were drowned in the Flood." ...........Pardon?

I had to skim through a few more pages to figure out what the h***
this was all about. Apparently, the Earth is only a few thousand
years old. Apparently, the Flood is probably responsible for many of
the geological features present today, like the Grand Canyon. The
Bible even makes several mentions of dragons and whatnot, which is
even more proof that dinosaurs existed RECENTLY. Apparently, there
are hundreds of different folk tales around the world about floods
and dragons, which MUST have some basis in reality. People all over
the world wouldn't make up the same types of stories unless there was
some basis in fact. I literally could not believe my eyes. I had to
show it to my husband, who also could not believe his eyes. Actually,
he had a lot more choice words than that, but let's pretend that this
is a family-friendly blog.

Now I find myself stuck with a dilemma about what to do with the
book. My son still wants me to read it to him, which I most certainly
will not do, at least not until he's old enough to have a
conversation about it. I don't think I can return it to the lady who
sold it to me. I don't really want to pass it on to anyone, because I
don't want to spread these kind of ideas. I generally don't approve
of book-burnings, so that's out. I feel like I've inherited a virus
of some kind, that needs to be contained or dealt with somehow.

By now, you have probably figured out that I am NOT a creationist. I
am also NOT a Christian, although I have several Christian friends
whom I like and respect very much. My husband used to call himself
Christian (he even taught Sunday school!), but I pestered him with so
many detailed questions about his exact beliefs before we said our
wedding vows that he stopped going to church. (I actually feel a
little bad about that, but I really needed specific answers before I
was willing to marry him.) I attend the local "Life Enrichment
Centre" on Sundays, which calls itself a New Thought ministry. I have
seen other websites about churches called Unitarian which seem
somewhat similar.

So, your comments are welcome. I'm not drunk anymore, but tomorrow
might be a rough day. It's almost 2am. What the h***, I'm a mother,
I've survived on less sleep. At least I had fun.

Stress

I actually wrote an entry last night, but for some reason it didn't get posted. I think I walked away from my laptop after I clicked on "publish" and my connection timed out and I didn't notice. Bummer.

The topic of my post was something to do with stress...hmmmm... Oh, yes, I was ranting because I am under a great deal of stress at the moment, and everyone I talk to assumes that it's because of homeschooling. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Homeschooling is my chief joy and pleasure in life right now. It is the most interesting thing I'm doing, it is the topic I am the most passionate about, and it is how I prefer to spend most of my time. To me, homeschooling is about hanging out with my kids, going to the library, visiting all the wonderful attractions in our city, going to clubs and playdates and classes together, reading and baking and talking and generally enjoying life together.

In case you're wondering, I'm not an unschooler, so we do officially hit the books for about an hour every morning. However, even that is lovely. My daughter and I have started a wonderful ritual of making a cup of tea while we get our books and pencils ready, and drinking tea while we work. She loves it because she feels very grown up.

The REAL source of my stress comes from my other "jobs." I use parentheses because I only get paid for one of them. I happen to be the president of my son's cooperative playschool. I got the position because I was the only parent in the room even remotely willing to take it on. I really didn't think it would be a very big deal, but honestly, all those little details really add up. Things like dealing with the custodian and the fire inspector and the parents who have issues and the politics. Yes, you read that correctly: POLITICS in PLAYSCHOOL. It's true. I don't even want to go into the details because it would only serve to magnify issues that are NOT WORTH IT.

My other job, the one I get paid for, is an after-school care program that I operate at home. Every day, I take care of my niece and nephew (ages 9 and 11) and two other boys (ages 8 and 11) before and after school. With my own two kids (ages 4 and 6), I have a total of 6 kids. I knew that I would be busy, but I had absolutely NO IDEA how much energy it would take to manage these kids. By the time they leave at 5:30pm, I am DRAINED. I need to lie down on the couch for half an hour just to recover.

I never expected that I would have to actively supervise four kids in late elementary school. Issues I am dealing with include teasing, tormenting, unkindness, boasting, destructiveness and general craziness. I am finding that I either need to keep different sets of kids separated (for example, two in the living room, two in the playroom, two in the backyard), or else I have to be in the playroom with them at all times just to make sure they are behaving like human beings.

Maybe my expectations are out of line. I just thought that kids of that age would know how to act in a home without wrecking the place and without hurting each other. I thought it was possible that they might also know how to carry on a conversation without resorting to taunting, boasting, or teasing. Even the content of their conversations disturbs me sometimes, like the references to boyfriends and girlfriends and the sexual innuendo that they use. I know that right after school most kids are a little wired and need to blow off steam, but this is too much.

I wonder if this is how they act all day long, or even just at lunch and recess. If so, it only cements my decision to homeschool. It definitely puts the whole "socialization" argument to bed in my mind. These kids are NOT being well socialized, and I am certainly not going to throw my kids into the fray. If I feel like I can barely supervise and guide 6 children at once, I do not see how it is remotely possible for a teacher to manage 26 at once. Perhaps they can get through the curriculum, but there is bound to be a heck of a lot of behavioural stuff slipping through the cracks. I don't care if my kids NEVER learn half the Alberta curriculum, as long as they do learn about kindness, compassion, consideration, and respect.

Homeschooling and "Stress"

I am almost fed up with people telling me what a huge burden or responsibility I've taken on with homeschooling. Seriously, if I complain about being tired, or being busy, or being stressed out, people automatically assume that it's because I'm homeschooling.

This is the truth: homeschooling is my JOY, it is my chief pleasure and my #1 interest in life right now. I get to spend quality 1-on-1 time with my kids doing stuff that we all love to do like reading, going to the library, having deep conversations, playing, visiting friends, and taking advantage of the wonderful attractions in our city. Homeschooling is like being on summer holidays all year long. It is absolutely lovely.

If you want to know why I'm stressed out, it has something to do with being President of my son's playschool and dealing with cranky parents, fire inspector issues, and myriad other little "to-do's" that eat up time I'd rather spend READING. On top of that, the two hours I spend running an after-school care program for 4 kids (ages 8, 9, 11, and 11) completely
and totally drains me. By the time my husband gets home for supper, I am washed out. I need to spend 45 minutes lying on the couch just to pull myself together.

I have a lot more to say on this topic. Honestly, there are about 4 topics there. Fodder for another night.

Launch.

I have been toying with the idea of writing a blog for a while now, and I finally clicked on that little "Get Your Own Blog" button in the corner of someone else's blog. It reminds me of that old TV commercial for chips that said "Get Your Own Bag!" I always thought it needed the word "Damn" inserted before "bag." It just didn't have enough oomph.

The title of my blog came to me, just like my husband said it would, when I tried to describe my life in a short phrase. Stay-at-Home-Mom isn't quite right, because I almost never do stay home. Home-schooling Mom isn't quite enough, because I've only just begun, and I don't feel like it defines me. I am neither left-wing nor right-wing, Christian nor anti-Christian. Home-birthing, breastfeeding, co-sleeping and attachment-parenting used to describe me, but my babies are bigger now (4yrs and 6yrs), so that doesn't quite fit, either. Some of my friends call me a health nut, but the real health nuts I know know that isn't true. I like to run, but I'm definitely not a runner.

I have given some thought to what I'm going to write here. I read voraciously, and this would be a great place to work out my responses to the books I read. I think this is the perfect spot to put all the stories and ideas that I don't want to bore my husband with, and that I just don't have time to chat with my friends about. It is still hard to have good conversations with babies and toddlers crawling around. They're all getting bigger, though, so hopefully good conversations will happen more frequently.

I guess I see this as another avenue for personal growth. It's like a diary, but more public, so I have to put a little more effort into it. I see myself doing some kind of writing in the future, so this is an opportunity to improve my writing skills. (By the way, I am open to suggestions.) This is all completely new to me. Will I have to be careful about what I say? If my parents or my in-laws read this, will they be shocked, surprised, or offended? Maybe they'll learn something.

Maybe I'll learn something. If so, then this will be a useful exercise.